


Nuts!

by 1949



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-07-23 14:33:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7467051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1949/pseuds/1949
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis says nuts! (Or everything Stannis says is taken literally)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by General McAuliffe at the Battle of the Bulge and this glorious bit of humor: http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php?/topic/66319-stannis-humor/&do=findComment&comment=3224643

The smell wafted through the barely-boarded window of the dilapidated Riverlands keep. The Targaryen force had penetrated all the way into the town square, where their campfires glinted mockingly in the distance. Warmth in the bitter winter cold, pleasant food to fill their bellies and nostrils. It was just like Storm's End all over again, where Mace Tyrell and Paxter Redwyne had feasted beneath his walls to mock him. He had heard rumors that the Tyrells had joined the Dragon Queen. Small wonder. Traitors and usurpers, the lot.  
  
Hunger, Stannis thought as he stared out the cracks in the window. It was no stranger, not to one who had lived through the siege of Storm's End and the march on Winterfell. But this time, it was different. It gnawed away at his heart as well.  
  
Richard Horpe was saying something...yes, he was reading the letter that the Targaryen commander had sent. 

 

 

> _To Lord Stannis, pretender king,_
> 
> _There is only one possibility to save your army from total annihilation: that is the honorable surrender of this encircled town and castle. In order to think it over a term of two hours will be granted beginning with the presentation of this note._
> 
> _If this proposal should be rejected, we have a thousand cavalry and six thousand Unsulllied ready to annihilate you. The order to attack will be given immediately after this two hours term._
> 
> _The Targaryen Commander._
> 
>  

"What should we answer?" he could vaguely hear Lord Fell asking. "We have to say something."

  
"Tell 'em to go burn in hell," muttered Ser Richard.  
  
But he barely heard them. All he could think of was that accursed smell of the luxury currently roasting in the Targaryen campfires outside Bastoygne.  
  
"Nuts," he said aloud.

 

~~~

  
Thus was the greatest four-letter reply of history given.


	2. Chapter 2

In response to a prompt: " _I was thinking of doing a story, where Stannis is sent to King's Landing as child being a fosterling and later Squire to King Aerys II. However I am having a problem, I was planning for Stannis to be made Lord of Duskendale by Aerys II, after the Defiance of Duskendale, however I can't think of a House Words for House Baratheon of Duskendale. Could you guys perhaps give me some suggestions?_ "

* * *

Maester: My lord, we need house words...  
  
Stannis: We have no time for such trifles.  
  
 _The next week..._  
  
(Stannis looks up at the cost of arms above his recently repaired gates, bearing the inscription "We have no time for such trifles")  
  
(Stannis grinds teeth)


End file.
